The Woman Catcher

I was just perusing the web for some decent socialist blogs when I came across ‘The Exile’ – a mancunian living in Mexico. I’m excited at the thought of some prophetic wisdom from a northern soul in a completely alien environment, able to offer some blinding insight into the topics he’d tagged: globalisation, anti-war, socialism, working class, imperialism. Wow.

Curiously I spot an entry titled ‘How to Catch Women’. Catch? Why are they running, or being thrown? It was of course an advice piece on how to add notches to your cock. I always thought the notches went on the bedpost but I suppose it makes sense to put them on the actual cock. Lots of added advantages to that, you can wag it around in front of your mates to show them how manly and impressive you are and you could also use it lure in potential ‘catchees’ whilst saying something sweet and subtle like “look, look at all the notches on my nob, that’s the total of how many women I’ve fucked – you could be next if you’re lucky”. In later years when you’re sad and old and lonely because no-one fucking likes you; you can wistfully look at all the faded notches on your wrinkly old member and reminisce all the fleeting moments of relatively meaningless carnal pleasure you had. It’s honestly a great idea, women should do the same but nothing as crass as a notch, a more qualitative equivalent like a Visitors Vagina Log – Dave, March ’98, lovely muff – will deffo be back for more.

I was about to write a comment on a chap’s blog (sounds like an innuendo) but then I remembered I have my own blog. Before I show you my response, here’s a little excerpt of his wonderfully eloquent advice so you have some context:

So what is the lesson for today, young fellows? Well, in your 20s when you have plenty of stamina then you can chase cunt all day and every day and you will probably get enough to keep both you and your cock happy. As you get older you might want to consider either doing something that gives off the aura of success or learning to bullshit so that your little darling thinks that you are a success. Of course she will figure out the truth pretty damned quickly, but so long as you have had your jump, what do you care?

For your eyes only here’s the comment I was going to post:

‘Chase cunt all day’ lovely. Well there’s 3 minutes of my life I’ll never get back after having read your shit blog. And a further minute telling you how shit and really shit it is as I am compelled to do so. Status blah money blah. Despite how much cunt you may or may not have had, it still doesn’t really qualify you to reduce female attraction into two very basic categories. No one has read this thinking “Gosh this chap must have a degree in psychology or some other paradigm of science that covers the complexity of human desire. He must have considering how articulate and all-encompassing this infallible advice is.” In fact I highly doubt anyone has actually even read this bar me. The reality is pal, a lot of women, are a lot like, a lot of men, especially when they are pissed and horny, in that they will shag a bloke based on nothing more than their own impulsive desires. Let’s face it if you’ve managed to go from nought to knickers in less than a couple of hours do you really think it’s because of your game? Trust me your little darling is not being led up the garden path, she had every intention of having a fuck before she left the house.

“I’m a commander in NATO” “I’ve just started managing a few bands” “I was in the armed forces for years but now I’m a humanitarian” “I invented cheese and onion crisps” Trust me guys, we smell your bullshit a country mile away, we don’t believe you, but we find it highly entertaining and amusing that you go through all that peacocking to impress us. And as for ‘figuring out’ you are not a success! We likely knew whether you were a success or not to begin with,  maybe we just fancied a fling, the same as you. Or maybe we’ve found someone with the shiniest flashiest most exspensivist car and an imaginary career as ninja, invisible, SAS spy to have a bounce on. Did you ever consider we might fear you are about to rumble us on the fact that we’re not about to launch our own designer range of squirrel hats and spats? And that we are also not the lead singer of an eclectic jazzpunkfunk band backed by Debbie Harry? I’m a true feminist in the sense I believe in equality. And that means all your perceived trickery and predatory guile amounts to the same as ours. Women bullshit. And sometimes you’re just meat too. Stop thinking you own the game.

Yours sincerely,

Princess Araminta Luciana Garrington-Fairisles ScS/PhD

(the first woman to traverse the core of the earth in an adamantium submarine)

Aside from the blatant misogyny and self delusion in this nob heads piece of writing, as far as I’m concerned the actual advice is shit.

A: chase women at every available opportunity because the law of averages dictates you’ll strike lucky at some point

B: be successful or ‘high status’

C: pretend to be successful or ‘high status’.

That’s not advice mate that’s what every single bloke actually does. They find it time consuming and on the whole know their cheesy chat up lines and recent promotion to Chief Boob Checker at FHM is doomed to failure. Men want to know if there’s like a secret button under our left bum cheek that if operated correctly will have us instantly fall at their feet, not to be told: sit in the pub all night every night talking bollox about fabricated achievements. They’ve got that bit down mate, nailed it in. As much as I absolutely despise Neil Strauss and The Game and all that other seduction community manipulation (with very valid ethical reason), at least it bloody works. This is pointless self-serving piffle.

On that note I feel duty bound to offer up some of my own top tips for bagging that boy you want. Here goes:

  1. Make fun of him. Relentlessly. Verbally torture him and aim for subtle emasculation, I find the words ‘worm’ and ‘pube’ help. He’s only pretending to despise you, deep down he really wants to prove to you that he’s not a sad little worm or a pathetic little pube – but a big strong man, worthy of your respect and desire. You can even do things like steal his baseball cap and poke him in the ribs whilst he’s talking to friends, as long as you giggle incessantly he’ll find it sexy rather than annoying.
  2. Perform filatio on inanimate objects. You need full eye contact for this seduction to work, don’t worry if you are in public he’ll be mesmerised by your originality and courage.
  3. Cover yourself in penises. Penis deely-boppers, tiny diddy wee penises to put on straws (these are killer because if you refer yourself to point 2 you can offer some added mystery, am I drinking a drink or am I sucking a diddy wee cock? Mmm this could be your diddy wee cock) giant blow up penises, penis shaped chocolate, to be honest even a penis drawn on your face with a biro will help but anything you can use for oral symbolism works best.
  4. Get a printed t-shirt, this works particularly well if there’s a group of you because you can inform large numbers of men about your arousing activities. Some great ones I’ve seen are: Black Country Girls on Tour, Good Girls Go to Heaven, Bad Girls go to Ayia Napa, Let’s Party Bitches, Here Come the Girls – Kathy’s 2nd Hen Do and my favourite: On It ‘Til We Vomit. But if you don’t have a friend called Tasha and want to be a bit more clever and sophisticated you can break into some lovely name based alliteration, which will give a potential suiter some indication into your individual character, this will save him the bother of talking to you e.g. Sexy Saff, Raunchy Rachel, Angelic Adele, Kinky Kirsty, Naughty Nat, Lush Lou etc. I personally would not be seen dead without my ‘Sun’s Out Cunt’s Out’ t-shirt if I was on the pull.

Well I hope that’s been illuminating. It’s fool proof advice. Although there is a caveat to the first bit of advice which is that you have to be smoking hot to pull it off. Like a female dog whistle, everyone else will be pissed off by your behaviour but your target won’t notice or care. As for the other three points you could be a pig in knickers but with enough slap on your mush you’ll be fine. Plus which safety in numbers, you only have to be a shade prettier than the ugliest girl in the group to ensure success.

 

 

 

 

 

The Woman Catcher

To swear or not to swear, what was the fucking question?

Suggestions for posting and chatting in political forums:

  1. If you are writing a post and wish to appeal to the widest audience perhaps don’t swear. Everybody should absolutely express themselves however they see fit but they should also be aware of the impact of their expression. Anyone with half a brain in their head can understand that the reason politicians, or newsreaders or any other public speaker credited with integrity doesn’t swear- is simply to gain the buy in of people who are offended by swearing. If you are not interested in appealing to everyone in the group, fair enough, shit cunt tit bollox away.
  2. If you are in thread and are debating with someone and you are offended by their swearing try saying this “I would very much like to continue our debate however I am offended by your use of profanities – I respect your right to your freedom of expression however I find some of that expression upsetting and as such it makes it difficult for me to hear your points of view. If you would be willing to omit the expletives I’d be willing to continue.”
  3. If someone says to you “I would very much like to continue our debate however I am offended by your use of profanities – I respect your right to your freedom of expression however I find some of that expression upsetting and as such it makes it difficult for me to hear your points of view. If you would be willing to omit the expletives I’d be willing to continue.” You have a choice, you can respect where they are coming from and compromise in order to continue the debate OR you can get your fucking knickers in a twist, accuse them of censoring/restricting/oppressing you and make a post about leaving because people are like the gestapo. Make sure you don’t actually leave but instead sit around waiting for sympathy, questions, affirmations etc.
  4. If you are unwilling to compromise the manner in which you express yourself you have every right to do so. You don’t have the right however to decide how you are received. Your opinion as to whether it’s reasonable or not to be offended by swearing means nothing. People either are or aren’t and you do yourself a great disservice my immediately dismissing the point of view on all other issues by someone who is offended by swearing, simply because they are offended by swearing. Ask yourself who is really being judgemental?
  5. If you are offended by swearing you also have many options. Ignore posts with profanities in them, politely ask someone you are debating with to desist from swearing or re-write the post yourself without the cuss words and engender a debate with like-minded individuals – if it’s a topic you really wish to speak about. You also have another option, which is get your fucking head out of your arse. People swear. It doesn’t make them bad or stupid or beneath you. It’s your choice not to and that’s fine, no-one pulls you up on your posts by saying – “yes that’s all very well and good but it’s a bit bland and doesn’t really appeal to me, stick a cunt in and I might be interested”. As far as possible try to be on good terms with all people (Desiderata). If you can, try to overlook the swearing and take the point of the post rather than focussing on and criticising the semantics.

 

 

To swear or not to swear, what was the fucking question?

Thinking out Tory

How do we privatise something that’s already private?

What are you on about?

Well I’ve been thinking about these food-banks. There’s got to be a way of making money out of them. Aside from the idea that’s it somehow some sort of unprecedented level of shame upon us for allowing 2 and a half million people in a first world country to rely on charity in order to survive, there is also the slightly more pressing issue of us not making any money out of it.

Yeah I see what you’re getting at. Well, and, if all goes well with the other stuff it’s likely to be a lot more than 2-3 million people, I mean what’s to stop there being 5 or 10 million users?

Precisely, ok, I’ve got a plan, firstly we need to drum up some fear around the safety of using them. Get a few food poisoning stories in the press, ring Murdoch, now. I want salmonella, gastroenteritis and at least one dead baby. And perhaps a few skirmishes involving some unsavoury types using them. Headlines like “Crack head batters single mum at food bank”

Noooooooo. Not crack head, asylum seeker.

Genius, get the fucking immigration angle in this from the outset too, now that’s joined up thinking, all the asylum seekers that these wooly headed lefties want letting in are battering innocent lovely young women at food banks. Brilliant.

Well she’s not innocent she’s a single mum but I get what you’re saying. More importantly though aren’t we rolling with the vibe that the refugees get loads of benefits and preferential treatment in housing and all that?

Doesn’t matter. Besides if anyone notices the direct contradictions in our rhetoric we can just point out how greedy and selfish the immigrants are, you know not content with all the housing and benefits they get they’re actually trying to get all the free food from impoverished British people too. Scandal and all the more reason to get rid. It will work, and by this point we will have announced our plan to comprehensively tackle the food bank issues. Ooh, also, let’s start at some point bandying around the term ‘unregulated’ and let the peasants start joining up some of the dots for us. Becaaaaause:

Phase two, will be to spend millions of pounds of taxpayers money investigating the private food banks, including but not limited to establishing some sort of ‘independent’ organisation responsible for the assessments, think ATOS, OFSTED, that sort of thing, we need a good acronym and to make sure the public are convinced we are not pulling the strings as part of a wider agenda. We have to keep it about concern for public welfare, don’t stop littering the main stream media with crap about catching scurvy and rabies and violent refugees. Start slow but then crank it right up.

You can’t catch scurvy, isn’t that some sort of deficiency related thing? Not enough vitamins, that’s why we’re called limeys, they used to put limes on the boats…

SHUT UP, no one cares what’s true or not, no-ones paying attention. Just keep a steady pulse of fear-mongering in the press and they’ll be begging to have them shut down. It will be a public demand, they’ll be signing petitions quicker than we fatten up shares. And then, this is the clever bit that we can use to make us look compassionate too, we don’t shut them down, we just get ATOL or COTIC or who the fuck ever to assess all the food-banks and conclude that like 65% of them are flea ridden cess pits and shut them down immediately. The other 35% are adequate but need real improvement – and then overall, the investigation, which we’ll get the minister for health to oversee will decree that food-banks are necessary to the public but need to be completely government regulated.

The actual minister for health?! Ha, you are taking this rather seriously aren’t you? I think that’s a bit excessive, let’s just dig up some MP who’s perhaps done a bit of campaign work in the past about obesity or disability or whatever and get them in as a figurehead, we don’t really need to use anyone with actual experience because we’ve already set the outcome, and besides if it all goes tits up we need someone we can drop like a hot sack of shit.

Yes, ok, agreed, I just thought that might look more genuine but yes we need a patsy and lets face it most of these morons wouldn’t know the difference anyway. Then finally we get a contract out to tender for a private company to run and self regulate the food banks. Get it – self regulate, we pass it off as a government thing but ultimately we wont be accountable for any future problems. I’m thinking Teresa May’s pie fingered mercenary cunt of a husband might be interested what do you think?

I don’t get it.

What do you mean?

Well I don’t get it, why would anyone bid for a contract to give out free food to plebs?

Ohh right! hahahahha! I see what you mean, right, well they won’t be free anymore of course. Once they are “government-regulated” the private company can charge for the food. Otherwise how can we cover the costs of getting rid of the imaginary disease and violence.

Oh right, but isn’t that just like a supermarket?

No, dick face, it’s a government regulated food bank, we have to charge a nominal fee for patronage to ensure food safety standards and keep the filthy scrounging asylum seekers out. The health, safety and wellbeing of the British public is at the very core of our policymaking – to compare a government regulated food bank designed to close the gap between where the bloody Labour party left us and where we need to be – to a fucking supermarket is ludicrous.

Yes, of course, right, sorry. And what about if people, you know, just give out food? Soup kitchens, drop in centres, homeless charities, churches, do churches do that?

Oh we’ll legislate for that. Yeah. We’ll just criminalise any un-regulated food donating and dish out whopping fines.

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAH! That’s just brilliant.

I know it’s seamless isn’t it? WIN WIN. Right I have to go some hideous old polytech and spin some shit about Labour’s new policy on tuition fees only benefiting the most wealthy graduates.

 

 

 

 

Thinking out Tory

Wherever the Kings went, don’t worry – they’re back.

Today I learn of Roosh Valizadeh’s plan to meet up with other ‘Neomasculinist’ followers. Presumably to discuss how they further the case for making rape on private property legal. Or perhaps they need to widen the discussion on ‘traditional’ child abuse within certain cultures. They certainly have to open the debate on women’s value solely resting on beauty and virility – surely how well they keep house should be merited also?

Anyone on social media today will have been introduced to The Return of the Kings. The Kings that have so far been too afraid to meet in public for fear of reprisal, are now armed with some secret squirrel tactics and a mandate to seduce and fuck feminist activists should they dare to show up with their evil autonomy and vaginas (or as Valizadeh posted in his site news in response to confirmed protest “hairy-legged feminists and their beta-orbiters”). The level of self-delusion, sociopathy and hatred of women required to attend a meeting like this is not specified but I am concerned that some vulnerable young men who want a few tips to get in with the ladies, might not necessarily realise or care that the use of NLP is essentially pre-meditated manipulation. If Valizadeh was advocating the use of these Machiavellian tactics to relieve little old pensioners of their money as oppose to young women of their lady gardens would there be more public inclination to stop him? What sick sense of esteem does one gain from Derren Browning someone into the sack anyway? According to Valizadeh (or if I may refer to him as twatty little shitbag, or TLSB for short from now on) transgender women that sleep with men are rapists and women are biologically determined to follow orders from men amongst a plethora of other patriarchal ideas ranging from the bizarre to the violent. It’s got me wondering if ROK could ever have a slightly more progressive branch that champions the cause of transgender women being allowed to legally rape men on their own property. I do hope so – they were genetically entitled to non-consensual sex to begin with.

As I peruse the section dedicated to Return Of Kings on TLSB’s website I notice “59 Powerful Quotes That Reveal the True Nature of Women”. It’s an around the world adventure of vintage sexism such as “There are only two good women in the world: one of them is dead, and the other is not to be found.” or “The dog is faithful, woman never.” And so on and so on. I’m staggered by the wilful ignorance of any context to these cherry picked parables, he may as well have included some quotes that ‘reveal the true nature of black people’ and slapped some KKK references in there. Yet despite the irrefutable power of these adages TLSB is very dismayed that modern men have forgotten these sage warnings and continue to be fooled into thinking that women are just people worthy of basic respect. In TLSB’s defense I am inspired by one quote which is: “When a woman thinks by herself she thinks of evil.” He’s right, I’m alone right now and all I can think about is poking Pick-Up-Artist’s in the eyes with rolled up pages from The Game.

In an article written by Frost and in the manner of a truly well rounded bigot, Return Of Kings presents a denial of rape culture whilst simultaneously blaming actual rape and sexual violence predominately on immigrants in his piece: ‘“Rape Culture” Was Manufactured to Wage an Unjust War against Men.’ Presumably any rape existing outside of the female imagination or not perpetrated by other foreign men is the fault of misleading, promiscuous women. It’s such a delight when racists all of a sudden give a shit about women being raped isn’t it? That beautiful moment when something steeped in the ethical becomes of political value to the thinly veiled ethnocracy of the conservative powers that be.

In the article, Frost, who has elevated himself to mononymic status, claims:

“If feminists actually cared about preventing rape, they would be singing the praises of columnist Emily Yoffe and other “slut-shamers,” not to mention rallying around the cause of European immigration restriction. Somehow I don’t see either of those political alliances taking hold.”

Because as we all know the simplest way to reduce rape, is for women to stop dressing so slutty and continue reinforcing negative, shaming and prohibitive ideals in one another. And for us all to refer ourselves to some pseudo statistical bullshit from Oslo that highlights the over representation of African and Middle Eastern men in rape statistics. Please don’t refer yourself to any dialogue whatsoever regarding the ingrained and institutional racism within structures of law enforcement and justice systems that are a causal factor in these anomalies, you might then out yourself as someone of middling intellect “barely capable of regurgitating sound bites from their second-year sociology textbook”. For more ‘evidence’ that feminism needs to focus on immigration to reduce rape you can read Max Roscoe’s brilliant ‘5 Simple Steps To Not Getting Raped” *

Back in Frost’s article he goes on to liken women who dress ‘provocatively’ and go out doing high risk things like having a drink with their mates, to people leaving unlocked Ferraris laying around. In this analogy a raped woman and a stolen car is the result of lax protection, whilst the thief is still a thief and the rapist still a rapist, the root of the problem is the unintelligent car or body owner. I think Frost is totally right, stealing an unlocked car is exactly the same thing as violently pushing your erect penis into an un-consenting woman and I’m off to araldite my fanny flaps together, cancel all my social plans and thank my lucky stars I don’t have an expensive car. After all “Man is an imperfect creature, and prone to evil in the absence of restraints on his worst impulses.”

The same advice is not applied to victims of theft though and herein lays the double standard. 5 Steps To Not Having Your Ferrari Stolen – Step 1: Don’t buy a Ferrari. Step 2: Don’t engage in high risk activities such as hanging around Ferrari dealerships with money looking like you might want to buy a Ferrari in case the salesperson swaps your money for the Ferrari on the assumption you wanted to buy it and then it gets stolen. Or something like that, it’s difficult to work with the car analogy when clearly having a possession stolen is not the same as having your body violated, and this is why the rhetoric that plays into victim blaming is so blinkered and stupid. Frost says it’s not sexist to suggest that getting drunk or wearing skimpy clothes increases the chances of getting raped. No it’s not sexist – it’s just reductivist and detracts from the real issue. The Victims of Crime Survey 1997 (South Africa) offers us some qualitative insight. Of the 55,000 rape victims that year, a representational study which interviewed 4,000 of them, reported that only 24.4% were raped by a stranger. When I wrote my dissertation on sexual violence I researched hundreds of studies and can attest to this pattern being reflected world over, the majority of women are raped by relatives, a partner or ex-partner or somebody that they know. The idea that sobriety or trousers are magic fucking rape barriers is just plain ignorant and insulting.

It’s also completely insulting to decent men everywhere for Frost to claim that men cannot control their inner urges. Most men I know manage not to shit themselves on purpose in lieu of holding out for a bog and can for the most part not resort to violence when dealing with a frustrating situation, so I find it incredibly difficult to believe that a decent human being, even when faced with a sexy drunk woman cannot resist the depraved urge to fuck her without her consent. The issue of consent itself is a different can of worms which I will definitely write about later, but only rapists rape and in the much smaller percentage of cases in which they commit their crime on a complete stranger, low cut tops and too many tequilas may well be a factor in their choice of victim but that STILL does not make it the victims fault – nor does it mean that women shouldn’t wear or drink want they want. That is just a lazy shift of blame onto the victim instead of reinforced, committed and continued policing of rapists. Even semantically when we discuss the issue we usually refer to the woman that was raped as oppose to the man that raped – spotlighting the victim and intrinsically associating her and the crime.

Finally and perhaps most obviously the reason rape is not like theft is because victims of rape aren’t things. Sex isn’t a thing, that is given or taken away, it can be traded of course but that still does not obscure the elemental shared and conscious essence of the act. A prostitute does not pop your blow job in the post. Frost gives away his proclivity for transactional sex by essentially reducing the rapists misconduct to the taking of a thing without honouring the exchange, rather than qualifying it as the despicable violation it is. To my mind the seduction community as a whole works off this basis and as such the real kick is in tricking women to shag them rather than having to ‘pay’ by participating in a genuine courtship – instead by learning about ‘negging’ and ‘kino’ they can skip the being a decent human and having authentic desire bit and hack into ‘free’ sex. And if the lines don’t work? Well in the words of a PUA project kickstarter Ken Hoinsky “Physically pick her up and sit her on your lap. Don’t ask for permission. Be dominant. Force her to rebuff your advances.”

Frost also seems to be a bit preoccupied with false rape claims, and so he should be. I’m currently filing one against him now, because obviously as a feminist it is my duty to use rape as a political tool against men I seek have power over, rather than having any actual concern for the millions of women, men and children who are sufferers of domestic and sexual violence. Frost ignores the fact that most sensible thinkers consider false rape claims to be totally heinous and detrimental to getting justice for genuine assault victims; again if we look at real evidence such as the survey I referred to earlier, we see that only 19.8% of the 22,121 rapes reported resulted in a conviction. Slim pickings and unlikely to the result of fake claims, so Frost’s notion that all men have to be on constant alert from predatory rape claiming feminists is nothing short of fantasy, but if you are concerned please read ‘How To Avoid A False Rape Accusation’.

I thoroughly recommend you avail yourself of all the nonsense and bilge provided by TLSB, his attempts to biologically, historically or culturally justify horrendously blatant sexism have an unconscious satirical quality that warms the cockles. I also recommend to women everywhere that they learn some of the techniques used by PUA’s, so that next time a chap says to you “nice dress, the pattern reminds me of my nan’s living room” you can reply “nice neg, reminds me of what other sad sacks say to get my attention – now do be a dear and fuck off”

*If you are white and feel like regurgitating some ‘literature’ in the vein of social Darwinism to back up your sense of privilege and entitlement there’s also a great article called ‘5 reasons why you shouldn’t feel guilty about European Colonialism’. Or if you are concerned about the pitfalls of female emancipation and the negative trends associated with it, don’t worry, black America has been there and done it all, as you can read for yourself in “How Black America has Predicted our Future” it covers the basics like being fat, fatherless and the anti – male attitude which was apparently pioneered by black women. And none of this could possibly be interpreted as racist because the author is himself black.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wherever the Kings went, don’t worry – they’re back.