I was just perusing the web for some decent socialist blogs when I came across ‘The Exile’ – a mancunian living in Mexico. I’m excited at the thought of some prophetic wisdom from a northern soul in a completely alien environment, able to offer some blinding insight into the topics he’d tagged: globalisation, anti-war, socialism, working class, imperialism. Wow.
Curiously I spot an entry titled ‘How to Catch Women’. Catch? Why are they running, or being thrown? It was of course an advice piece on how to add notches to your cock. I always thought the notches went on the bedpost but I suppose it makes sense to put them on the actual cock. Lots of added advantages to that, you can wag it around in front of your mates to show them how manly and impressive you are and you could also use it lure in potential ‘catchees’ whilst saying something sweet and subtle like “look, look at all the notches on my nob, that’s the total of how many women I’ve fucked – you could be next if you’re lucky”. In later years when you’re sad and old and lonely because no-one fucking likes you; you can wistfully look at all the faded notches on your wrinkly old member and reminisce all the fleeting moments of relatively meaningless carnal pleasure you had. It’s honestly a great idea, women should do the same but nothing as crass as a notch, a more qualitative equivalent like a Visitors Vagina Log – Dave, March ’98, lovely muff – will deffo be back for more.
I was about to write a comment on a chap’s blog (sounds like an innuendo) but then I remembered I have my own blog. Before I show you my response, here’s a little excerpt of his wonderfully eloquent advice so you have some context:
So what is the lesson for today, young fellows? Well, in your 20s when you have plenty of stamina then you can chase cunt all day and every day and you will probably get enough to keep both you and your cock happy. As you get older you might want to consider either doing something that gives off the aura of success or learning to bullshit so that your little darling thinks that you are a success. Of course she will figure out the truth pretty damned quickly, but so long as you have had your jump, what do you care?
For your eyes only here’s the comment I was going to post:
‘Chase cunt all day’ lovely. Well there’s 3 minutes of my life I’ll never get back after having read your shit blog. And a further minute telling you how shit and really shit it is as I am compelled to do so. Status blah money blah. Despite how much cunt you may or may not have had, it still doesn’t really qualify you to reduce female attraction into two very basic categories. No one has read this thinking “Gosh this chap must have a degree in psychology or some other paradigm of science that covers the complexity of human desire. He must have considering how articulate and all-encompassing this infallible advice is.” In fact I highly doubt anyone has actually even read this bar me. The reality is pal, a lot of women, are a lot like, a lot of men, especially when they are pissed and horny, in that they will shag a bloke based on nothing more than their own impulsive desires. Let’s face it if you’ve managed to go from nought to knickers in less than a couple of hours do you really think it’s because of your game? Trust me your little darling is not being led up the garden path, she had every intention of having a fuck before she left the house.
“I’m a commander in NATO” “I’ve just started managing a few bands” “I was in the armed forces for years but now I’m a humanitarian” “I invented cheese and onion crisps” Trust me guys, we smell your bullshit a country mile away, we don’t believe you, but we find it highly entertaining and amusing that you go through all that peacocking to impress us. And as for ‘figuring out’ you are not a success! We likely knew whether you were a success or not to begin with, maybe we just fancied a fling, the same as you. Or maybe we’ve found someone with the shiniest flashiest most exspensivist car and an imaginary career as ninja, invisible, SAS spy to have a bounce on. Did you ever consider we might fear you are about to rumble us on the fact that we’re not about to launch our own designer range of squirrel hats and spats? And that we are also not the lead singer of an eclectic jazzpunkfunk band backed by Debbie Harry? I’m a true feminist in the sense I believe in equality. And that means all your perceived trickery and predatory guile amounts to the same as ours. Women bullshit. And sometimes you’re just meat too. Stop thinking you own the game.
Princess Araminta Luciana Garrington-Fairisles ScS/PhD
(the first woman to traverse the core of the earth in an adamantium submarine)
Aside from the blatant misogyny and self delusion in this nob heads piece of writing, as far as I’m concerned the actual advice is shit.
A: chase women at every available opportunity because the law of averages dictates you’ll strike lucky at some point
B: be successful or ‘high status’
C: pretend to be successful or ‘high status’.
That’s not advice mate that’s what every single bloke actually does. They find it time consuming and on the whole know their cheesy chat up lines and recent promotion to Chief Boob Checker at FHM is doomed to failure. Men want to know if there’s like a secret button under our left bum cheek that if operated correctly will have us instantly fall at their feet, not to be told: sit in the pub all night every night talking bollox about fabricated achievements. They’ve got that bit down mate, nailed it in. As much as I absolutely despise Neil Strauss and The Game and all that other seduction community manipulation (with very valid ethical reason), at least it bloody works. This is pointless self-serving piffle.
On that note I feel duty bound to offer up some of my own top tips for bagging that boy you want. Here goes:
- Make fun of him. Relentlessly. Verbally torture him and aim for subtle emasculation, I find the words ‘worm’ and ‘pube’ help. He’s only pretending to despise you, deep down he really wants to prove to you that he’s not a sad little worm or a pathetic little pube – but a big strong man, worthy of your respect and desire. You can even do things like steal his baseball cap and poke him in the ribs whilst he’s talking to friends, as long as you giggle incessantly he’ll find it sexy rather than annoying.
- Perform filatio on inanimate objects. You need full eye contact for this seduction to work, don’t worry if you are in public he’ll be mesmerised by your originality and courage.
- Cover yourself in penises. Penis deely-boppers, tiny diddy wee penises to put on straws (these are killer because if you refer yourself to point 2 you can offer some added mystery, am I drinking a drink or am I sucking a diddy wee cock? Mmm this could be your diddy wee cock) giant blow up penises, penis shaped chocolate, to be honest even a penis drawn on your face with a biro will help but anything you can use for oral symbolism works best.
- Get a printed t-shirt, this works particularly well if there’s a group of you because you can inform large numbers of men about your arousing activities. Some great ones I’ve seen are: Black Country Girls on Tour, Good Girls Go to Heaven, Bad Girls go to Ayia Napa, Let’s Party Bitches, Here Come the Girls – Kathy’s 2nd Hen Do and my favourite: On It ‘Til We Vomit. But if you don’t have a friend called Tasha and want to be a bit more clever and sophisticated you can break into some lovely name based alliteration, which will give a potential suiter some indication into your individual character, this will save him the bother of talking to you e.g. Sexy Saff, Raunchy Rachel, Angelic Adele, Kinky Kirsty, Naughty Nat, Lush Lou etc. I personally would not be seen dead without my ‘Sun’s Out Cunt’s Out’ t-shirt if I was on the pull.
Well I hope that’s been illuminating. It’s fool proof advice. Although there is a caveat to the first bit of advice which is that you have to be smoking hot to pull it off. Like a female dog whistle, everyone else will be pissed off by your behaviour but your target won’t notice or care. As for the other three points you could be a pig in knickers but with enough slap on your mush you’ll be fine. Plus which safety in numbers, you only have to be a shade prettier than the ugliest girl in the group to ensure success.